FML

my heart isn't at home now, would you call back in a day or two, when i'm feeling up to opening doors, but from now i'll take long walks down these broken avenues. did i ever show you all the things that make me feel alive? no i never told you and for that i apologise


it's so strange, how being at home for even a few hours, can completely screw you up. home is meant to be a happy place, 'home is where the heart is' right? no. because it's not. i hate this place. more than i thought was possible. even though my heart is here, left with that one person, i can't love this place, like it, can't even tolerate it. because i know the truth, that this love that is still fucking tormenting me, is, and always will be unrequited.


such is this that i say, fuck my life.
i really can not be fucked.

Brand New Eyes

and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff, and in the free fall i will realise i'm better off when i hit the bottom


What happens when you see everything with a new vision, when the proverbial clouds clear, the sun shines brightly on you, only you, and you can really see, for the first time ever, the real you. Do you back into the shadows, scared to admit to the truth? Or do you brave the light in your eyes, and face the truth like you should?

Most people would like to think they'd accept the truth, embrace it even, but the truth in this, is that we are all cowards. We don't like it when someone else is right and we are wrong, we don't like to find out the real us, because most of the time, the picture painted is pretty shitty.

Putting cliches aside, if possible, the light has broken through the clouds and hit me smack bang in the face, and fuck it hurts. Yes, the truth hurts. And in this case, I can only embrace it, I've accepted it, but acceptance is not going to help me here. Hinder is all it can do. But if I back away from this truth, that'll be me being untrue to myself right, 'cos I used to back away, when I wasn't showing my true colours.

So where do I go from here, when I've woken up to realise that the real me is the person I hated not so long ago. The person I always swore I would never be. This discovery is not going to help, because no matter what I do, I'm going against myself. So here goes nothing, I guess I'll just play up to it, be the person I guess I really am.

So what if I don't like that person, I guess I never did anyway.


We all learn to make mistakes and run from them with no direction, we'll run from them with no conviction. I'm just one of those ghosts, travelling endlessly, don't need no roads, in fact they follow me. And we just go in circles, but now I'm told that this is life, that pain is just a simple compromise so we can get what we want out of it. Would someone care to classify, a broken heart, a twisted mind, so I can find someone to rely on, and run to them full speed ahead. We are just misguided ghosts, travelling endlessly.

Truths

This is an exert from a blog from my old myspace days, written Wednesday 9th July 2008.

Please, unless you are ridiculously bored, do not waste your time in reading it all, it is simply an attachment. I just wanted to look back on it and remind myself of how much has changed. Yeah, it's only been just over a year, but even that short space of time ago, I was so much more naive than now. And I'm sure that in a years' time I'll be saying the same thing about this entry, but let's recap on the changes.

I am still not 100% self-confident, I still hate the way my chin looks when I smile and yeah, my music taste is pretty much the same as it was, but I no longer despise the concept of marriage, in fact it is a concept I have began to consider in more depth; true I am not planning on tying the proverbial knot anytime soon, but I have opened my mind more to the concept than I previously had.

Contrary to being a student, my lie ins now stretch far beyond 10.30am (thanks entirely to my 7 and a half hour timetable) thus making me even lazier, if possible, than I was a year ago today. I no longer spend 10 minutes a night looking at the wondrous photos on my wall, in fact about 2 months after the original entry, the majority of photographs were ripped down thanks to some immature arguements. Also thanks to my move to Cardiff, the wall is left with only missing paint where the remaining pictures were torn off.

Number 70. is now entirely untrue, I miss my long hair damn it, as are 80 and 81, I've instead decided a possible hitch-hike next year, and yes my brother did one too, but buggar him, I'm going to Prague instead! The final point is still, unfortunately, true, my knees do still click like those of a 90 year old, despite the 72 year age gap.

Aside from the obvious points on this list that are stories of some sort about my past or childhood, there is only one point that I can see remaining true, maybe not for life, but at least the next few years. I will not reveal this one, for the simple reason that I do not need to. Those who know me well enough, and one person in particular, will know this point, and they will know that it is going to be one of 'jenny's 100 truths' that will remain true for a long few years to come.


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"100 things about jenny.
Current mood: dorky
Category: Writing and Poetry

Simply, one hundred truths about me;




I will never be entirely content with what I have.

My gran will always no matter what be my best friend!

I read literature because I enjoy it, not because I pretend to be cultured

I tried to read the guardian to pretend to be cultured before, it didn't work

No matter how much I dislike someone I always feel obliged to forgive.

I find it hard to let go.

Eminem is not amazing cos he's the only famous white rapper, he's amazing because he's amazing.

My music taste is stupid, YES NICOLE I ADMITTED IT!!

Nothing beats the feeling when watching live music.

I have met 3 out of my many idols.

No matter how much people slate Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly, Sam Duckworth will always be my favourite singer, and 10th March 2008 was the BEST day of my life.

Writing things seems to come naturally to me, I feel best when I have a pen in my hand, no matter what I'm writing.

I was born on the same day as my year 5 teacher Ralph David, who was the best (but at the same time worst) teacher I ever had.

Even though I come across as self-confident I am constantly worrying what people think about me.

One day pigs will actually fly, and people who use that stupid phrase will be kicking themselves in their bollocks.

I hate my chin when I smile.

Strobe lights are the single most amazing invention, unless you're epileptic like.

I constantly ask myself 'what if?'

People obsess too much over appearance, I resent that side of the media.

I am not embarrassed of it, I LOVE going to gigs with my dad.

Crazy/Beautiful will always be my favourite film, it reminds me of a beautiful time in my life.

I hate the idea and concept of marriage.

But if I did give in to it I'd have to marry a French man.

I've been going on holidays to France since I was 6, I don't want to change that.

The person behind BBC Live Lounge sessions is a genius.

My parents still don't know my sexuality.

I hate Arnold Schwarzenegger, but The Terminator films are amazing.

I am slowly going deaf.

I can't sleep in later than 10.30 but i am probably one of the laziest people you will ever meet.

I spend at least 10 minutes every night admiring the photos on my wall.

Big Brother is the shittest program I have ever come across.

I don't understand how it is classed as 'reality tv' when it is so far-fetched.

People who go on msn/myspace/facebook etc. when on holidays do my head in.

The stars look a million times better in a French sky.

When I don't listen to music I feel like something is missing.

Louis Theroux has opened my eyes to a lot. He is an inspiration to me.

I don't understand how girls can wear underwear to bed!!

My dad cooks the most amazing chilli.

I love it, even though I hate spicy food.

The only reason I ever want to go to America is to get tattooed by Kat Von D or Chris Garver.

I promised my mum I wouldn't get any more tattoos, but we both know I'm gonna get more.

I feel most relaxed sitting out on my roof.

Spiderman 3 was a complete and utter let down!

But I still think they should make a new one.

I'm really crap with money.

Fancy dress fascinates me.

I hate American culture, but MTV shows crease me.

I would love to meet Horatio Caine off CSI: Miami

The way he puts his sunglasses on is hilarious.

Prison Break should've ended after series 2. There are only so many prisons you can break out of.

But I will always love Wentworth Miller, even when the show ends.

I don't understand how Extreme Makeover: Home Edition manages to afford everything.

My life will not be complete until I own a VW Camper Van.

I do not believe in the word perfect.

Imperfections are beautiful.

There is one person I will never get over completely.

The sooner I get away from this town, the happier I will be.

I am not ashamed to admit I am Christian and have a firm belief.

But I will not preach to you, I respect other's beliefs too.

Drug abuse grips me beyond belief, try and act big cos you've smoked a spliff in front of me and I will probably chin you into next week.

I am really patriotic about being Welsh, but I don't show it.

The France holiday crew are one hell of a laugh.

Singing oldie classics with them actually can NOT be beaten.

The only near death experience I've had is when me and danii were canoeing in France.

That was purely because I kept steering us into trees.

I really believe I was born in France in a previous life.

Not that I belief in all the previous lives sorta stuff.

Flash FM on GTA: Vice City unites me and my brother.

He is actually my hero.

I was shitting myself when I had it done, but I'm really glad I had my hair chopped off.

I am constantly too loud and embarassing for my own good.

I use the word hate too much.

I can touch my nose with my tongue, I class this as a talent.

I played the clarinet for 7 years, I really miss it.

I just stretched back and touched my exercise bike and thought it was a human.

When I love a song I listen to it about 50 times on repeat every day.

I constantly have a box of pennies in my room.

Pennies make pounds my gran always told me.

When Sinead did the G walk in Cardiff I nearly peed laughing.

I really want to travel and do charity work in Africa.

But I don't want people to think I'm copying my brother.

Sarcasm is my form of protection.

"Would you like medium fries? OR LAAAAARGE?"

Now that I know what kool-aid is, that scene from Family Guy is the funniest thing I have ever seen.

I've vowed to stop biting my nails for all of my life, but I can't.

I have to keep lists for everything, I go crazy without them.

It takes me at least an hour to get to sleep, however tired I am.

I cannot play being subtle, it's not in my nature.

I'm beginning to run out of interesting things about me.

I have three scars on my left arm from when I had chicken pox when I was little.

I have a scar underneath my lip where I bit right through it when I was 4. My mum failed to take me to hospital, but gave me a bag of peas.

I have seen Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly live 5 times, Nicole swears I'm obsessed, but I want to see him again and again and agaaain!

When I was 3 i ripped freshly pasted Laura Ashley wallpaper off my mum's bedroom wall and wasted £200 :D

I was once on the news talking about Baglan Primary's school pond.

Even though I'm 17 I still play pretend in my head.

I always have and always will love swimming.

Writing this is taking way longer than I thought it would.

I liked Avril Lavigne back in the days when her songs were moody and lyrical, her cheerleader chants are shit.

I met Howie from the Wild Show when I was little, even though Michaela Strachan was my favourite.

My knees click like an old woman's when I walk."

I Could Say

Google the lyrics of Lily Allen's 'I Could Say' and you will be reading my mind right now, except I will always be here for you, I will always have feelings for you and you were never the chip on my shoulder. Even though you haven't let me down tonight, I feel like you have, but maybe it isn't that, maybe it's the same thought, the cycle continuing, my brain reminding me that I fucked this up for us? Well, maybe not us, just me.
I am leaving tomorrow, and YES I know it's only 40 odd minutes away, but even if I lived next door to you, we would be a world apart. If a ten minute journey is too much effort for you, I know that an extra half an hour will not be appealing. I hate this self-indulgent, selfish, shitty writing that I always do. But it's all I can write now, because I did, I still do and I will ALWAYS hate myself for what I have done. One stupid mistake, and it is still tearing me up inside. I'd love to say that from tomorrow a new start will appear, and I will be able to move on and remember the good times, but I know, deep in my heart, that this will never be true. I will always hate myself for this, and although I hate to admit it, I will always have feelings for you.

You will always be the chip on my shoulder, because I love you.

The times they are a'changin

At the moment, my life consists of sleep, coffee, junk food, computer games and copious amounts of alcohol. But in just over a week, I'll be moving to a new scene, true it's only 45 minutes up the road, but it'll all be new regardless. But this blog finds me wondering, will it all really be as different as I am hoping it will be? Truth be told, I have put the whole university experience on a pedestal, as a lot of people have I guess, and I know I will be completely gutted if it isn't as amazing as I want it to be. A lot has changed over the past year, not just for me, but for a lot of people around me, and I know university will be another massive change to take into consideration.

But is it really going to change everything that much? Or will it simply be a change of scenery with the same old stale coffee and crap computer games?

Number One.

"God Only Knows", bit of a crap title for a blog, surely it should be something lyrical or something that represents me as a person. But no, "God Only Knows" shall be the title of the wonderous musings of my mind, because God only knows where my wandering mind may take us.